Identity Trifecta

Do you ever have a moment when your life’s purpose seems clear, that you’re where you’re supposed to be and becoming who you’re supposed to become? I use the phrase “supposed to” loosely, because I don’t believe in fate, or that the universe gives a profound fuck about me, the being known as Sarah. You know what I mean though, right? A sense of calm, things being right in your life in that moment, sweetened by all the hope you have for the future. I’ve been drifting in and out of those moments lately.

This fall/winter has been such a time of change for me. There are three elements that I feel are now vital to my identity, or at least, vital to the identity I’ve just slung around my shoulders, in the hope that it fits as well as I think it will. The three elements are these: vanlife, veganism, and tattooing. I’ve been full-time vanlife-ing for over four months now, my three-year veganniversary is coming up in February, and I’ve been a professional tattoo artist for almost two months.

Veganism is a journey that I’ve been on for a while. It ebbs and flows…sometimes I think about it a lot, get emotional over documentaries, overly excited about a new vegan-friendly restaurant, etc. And sometimes I don’t think about it much at all. Veganism has become a part of who I am, and I can do it on autopilot when other things in my life need more attention.

It’s nearly the same situation with vanlife as well. I was worried about how my first winter in the van would be, if I could hack it. It’s been good though. Cold as fuck sometimes, sure, but doable. I feel great about vanlife…it’s a culmination of things that are valuable to me: freedom over comfort, simplicity over clutter, minimalism over consumerism, the great outdoors over bingeing Netflix all the time. Vanlife over apartment life, probably forever.

The third thing though, the tattooing…that’s the challenging piece right now. Building a client list, getting my name out there, coaxing people into my chair…it’s been a motherfucker. I’ve done four tattoos over the past two months. Four. I need to hustle more, post on social media more consistently, figure out how to draw tattoo collectors in and get them to stay with me. It’s fucking hard, and I’m glad to have had a few days off from it over Christmas. Being successful at this has to happen. There is no alternative route for me, tattooing is what I love.

So, ultimately, I guess this post is about holding on to the moments of clarity. Keeping true to the vision I have for my future. Building up my ideal identity until it becomes my reality. Progressing in my field and becoming a talented tattooer is vital to that, the lynch-pin, the keystone, the piece that makes it all work. I’ve talked about this before, but here it is again…I want to be a travelling tattoo artist. I want to drive my van all over, free to go wherever whenever, spreading the vegan message in a chill (non-alienating) way, drawing constantly, doing guest spots at great tattoo shops, attending conventions, meeting other artists, learning, becoming one of the best in the industry.

On one hand, I feel that I am where I need to be right now, doing what I have to do to get there. On the other, I feel like I’m treading water. I’ve been pursuing all this for a while now, and my patience is wearing down to the point of transparency. If my patience were ice on a lake, we’d be able to see all the fish swimming restlessly underneath. Patience is everything though, the will to keep moving forward steadily, even thought the progress isn’t apparent from my vantage point. It’s the small moments of clarity, the awareness that I might be moving slow, but I’m on the right path, that are keeping me from losing my shit.

Fuck, I didn’t mean to get existential, philosophical, and/or beat metaphors to death, but it’s midnight on Christmas as I write this, and I’m thinking about what I’ve done (and haven’t done) in 2018. There’s nothing like the close of one year and the beginning of a new one to make you think about who you are, and what the fuck you’re doing with your short string of moments on this earth.